LEECHES!
is that a leech in your pants, or... oh, it is. gross. An overly homoerotic romp through the wacky adventures of a mismatched group of college friends who are forced to endure the terrors of mutant leeches, who have been totally augmented by steroids. Leeches is a cautionary tale, maybe, but you might not notice because of all the 20 minute long slow-motion guy scenes.

NIGHTWATCH
vampires... i guess... fight evil magic? only let's take out all the supernatural stuff. Mother Russia rained down, indeed, gifting us this gem. This is a great example of translations losing something in the translation- not just linguistically, but also in the book to movie jump. After looking forward to this movie for so long, it was great to finally get let down.

ICE CREAM MAN
a top 10 movie ok, this is a movie you should totally watch. don't just rent it, BUY it. if you've ever wondered what might happen in a small town when a crazed ice cream man is on the loose, serving up eyeballs and blood, this is your chance to find out. in spades.

DARK WATER
hoy cor, what's that? another ghost! Yet another Japanese "inspired" movie, this one starring the girl from Labyrinth trying to figure out a ghost. Or, is she crazy? ........ no, nope, there's a ghost. a child ghost. it's not terribly culturally revelvant, but i guess it scared people the first 3 times they saw it.

THE RAPTURE
here's an X-File-- why am i watching this? This movie almost made me wish the rapture would happen. Immediately. I'm not even sure how i managed to watch the whole thing, but i think i was holding out hope that something cool would happen. Eventually, something cool did happen: the movie ended.

PULSE
digital zombies will eat you through your stereo... or washing machine Pulse is a movie about the terrors of digital zombies who spend time building up their own mythology, only to frequently break protocol, defying their own ghost physics throughout the movie. the acting is also pretty bad, and the editing is terrible. click this paragraph for a full review.

GI JOE & GLOBAL WARMING
is that Bush under the hood? The second episode of GI Joe i watched involved Cobra using the Northern Lights to melt the icecaps and flood the world. Where was the Bush Administration when Cobra was on the loose? Oh, right, under those masks...

GI JOE & THE MAGMA MACHINE
GI Joe is retarded Not technically a movie, i reviewed two episodes of GI Joe a while back, after having not seen the show since i was a kid. Perceptions apparently change with time, because the show doesn't seem as great as it once did. Well, it's great now, but for different reasons. Read about GI Joe's Magma-Prevention campaign in South Amerika.